Four Stupid Pigs and a Big Bad Wolf

Keep an eye out for awkwardly written sentences and technical issues. Thank you.

Once upon a time,

In a galaxy not so very far away but still a long time ago, there lived four messy pigs; a Ma pig and her three stinky sons: Alan, Jack, and Peter. One day, the disgusting fumes in the house were so strong and the mess so big (it looked like a pig-sty, believe it or not) that she had no choice but to send them away. She shed only the tears caused by an irritated nose as her children left and breathed a sigh of relief when they were only dots on the horizon. She thought she would have peaceful days from then one.

She was wrong. Within twenty-four hours those little pigs had wee-wee-weed all the way home. Ma Pig tried to live with the smell for a week but could eventually stand it no more. This time when she sent them away, she decided, once and for all, that her sons were never coming back. And she wasn't just hoping either; as soon as they left, she phoned the worst, most feared, and greediest bounty-hunter in all the land: The Big Bad Wolf.

"Yo?" he answered.

"Is this The Big Bad Wolf?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"I need you to kill my children."

"Much obliged. Might I have the honors of knowing why?"

She quickly explained.

"Ma'am," he growled after quietly listening to the predicament, "I swear to you that by yonder month, all of those piglets will be hidden deep within my belly." What he didn't say, was that he intended for the same thing to happen to Evil-Ma-Pig.

After eating a light feast, he pulled his rifle, his old army cap, and a tattered jacket out of the closet and got ready to go. He would have gone on his horse, but every time he bought one, he got hungry and ate them. They were all tasty, so it was, of course, worth it.

Meanwhile, Alan, the youngest and dumbest of all the pigs in the whole county was searching for a place to live. A place where he could wallow in his own waste. As he rambled down the dusty old road, a wonderful smell wafted its way to his nose: MUD!!!!!! Without thinking, he ran and dived in.

Now, before I can explain anything else that happened, you must know a little bit of an ancient yarn that folks in that town believed: they believed that a nasty-smelling, rude, mud-glob lives in a nearby swamp. This tale is so frightening that many a weak heart has failed in the night while passing the swamp.

Anyway, night came, and Alan was the happiest, stinkiest pig in the world. Before too long though, another smell came tingling at his fleshy pink snout: STRAW!!!!!!!

He jumped out of the mud and bumped a poor turtle carrying a barrel of straw into the dust.

"May I have ALL of the straw?" asked Alan.

Seeing a rude, stinky, mud-glob, the turtle screamed and ran off. Alan didn't even think to say thank you.

The next day, Alan had a fully constructed house made out of mud and straw. (The house was a pile of mud and straw, nothing more). 'Fore too long, Mr. Big Bad Wolf arrived hiding a rifle behind his back. He walked up to the door (if you could call it a door) and knocked. "Mr Pig, Mr. Pig, did you by this here property?"

"Why does it matter?" came the snide reply.

"'Cause if you didn't, the law enforcement is going to come huff and puff angrily 'til this house comes on down."

Just then Mr. Big Bad caught the whiff of straw, which he was allergic to. So he huffed and he puffed and sneezed the house right on down.

"Yikes!" Alan shouted. He ran in a serpentine pattern, screaming at the top of his lungs that he "didn't want to die."

Now, The Big Bad Wolf could have shot him down right then, but he decided it would be best to get them [the pigs] into a concentrated area and make it look like an accident to the local authorities. So, he let the little pork on legs go, and tracked him.....

Jack lay stupidly, wallowing in some muck and drinking beer. In his drunken state, he thought that maybe a stick house would be nice. Very nice. So, after midnight, he wobbled out of the mud, gathered sticks and built a scanty home to sleep in. The next morning, he headed straight for the Casino, hoping to make a little more money than he already had so that he could buy whiskey.

Of course, the Big Bad Wolf was waiting for him. He was mighty hungry after a whole day without food so he had to try really hard not to eat Jack and fail the mission. That would be bad. He slouched down in a chair with some other questionable characters and began playing dice. Jack, of course, could not resist, so he joined in and lost the game. As soon as Jack had run off, The Big Bad Wolf began to track him down....

Peter worked day and night and finally finished a brick fortress. Not a very big fortress, mind you, but it would have to do. He wasn't exactly bright, so he forgot to put a lock on his door to keep intruders out and his brothers were able to come screaming in during the night, scaring him half to death, and making him madder than a mad hatter.

Not long after that point, the Big Bad Wolf arrived and knocked politely on the door. Jack and Alan refused to answer the door, even after intruding, so Peter had to go down, a pistol in hand.

"Little Pigs, Little Pigs, let me come in!" said the Biggest Baddest Wolf Ever.

Peter didn't.

Now the wolf was awful hungry by now, so he wasn't in the mood to play games. He tried to get in through the door to kill the pigs but sadly, the weight of Peter was too much. So, another devious plan came to mind. Not his idea really, but Santa Clause's. He jumped onto the roof and clambered down the chimney, licking his lips and rubbing his tummy.

Police have investigated the area but have not been able to determine what happened after that point. All they know is that four pigs disappeared and one wolf got really fat. They aren't the brightest police, so they ain't suspicious. But as for me, I know what happened because...I AM THE BIG BAD WOLF!!!!!!!!

THE END