“Hello?” Horace called, peering cautiously into the room. “Is anyone in there? Well...I know I’m late, but I got lost. Can I come in?”
Only his echo responded.
“Alright, I’m coming in. Don’t get mad at me, okay?”Once again, no one responded. Shrugging in what was supposed to be a nonchalant way, Horace shuffled into the room. The full view took his breath away.
The room was neither rectangular nor circular, but seemed to be a fluid mixture of both. The walls were as black as his mother’s precious ebony ring, but had far more elegant designs etched into them. Glowing blue lines twisted and marched in awe-inspiring patterns, constantly changing. They had started only after he’d entered the room, but...wow.
“Amazing,” Horace croaked. “This can’t be the right room.”
“Oh, but it is,” someone said.
Horace whirled this way and that, but he couldn’t find the source of the deep voice. What he did see was an arch of blue flame shooting toward him. It streaked toward him from the opposite side of the room, rumbling with the sound of jagged lightning.
Horace squealed and ducked out of the way. The flame crashed into a circular pattern behind him and disappeared.
“Your reflexes are good,” the voice muttered, “but the squeal wasn’t necessary.”
“Who are you?”
“Me? That doesn’t matter, not unless you pass the test.”
Horace gulped. “Er, what test do you mean exactly?”
The voice tried to respond (or that’s what it sounded like), but static set in, and it disappeared. Horace wasn’t sure if thatwas a technical difficulty or part of the test. He really didn’t want to find out.
“I’ll be going now,” he said.
The door behind him slammed shut, and he heard it being bolted.
“On second thought,” he whimpered, “I’ll stay for awhile.”
The patterns burned out suddenly, plunging Horace into complete darkenss.
“Hello,” said a new voice. “Pleased to meet you.”
Ah, your descriptions seem to be lacking. A little more details would make it easier to imagine and better fuel the story. Did the patterns start as soon as he entered the room? If so, You should mention them right when he enters, so it'd make the reader feel like their in his place. I would also rethink the word choice to make it a more intense moment.
ReplyDeleteBut I still like Horace. And the actual events of the story are good. Good job being gripping.